How to forgive yourself for past mistakes

For the overachieving, high-performing Black woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders, the idea of self-forgiveness is almost laughable.

“Most Black women are raised to embody strength and resilience at all costs, often believing that showing vulnerability or making mistakes is a sign of weakness,” said Dr. Cashuna Huddleston, licensed psychologist and founder of Houston, Texas-based New Way Psychological Services. “It’s rooted in pride and survival, which can become emotionally exhausting and self-punishing.” 

While self-punishment can feel like all we deserve, the burden becomes unbearable over time. Yes, even if you’re the strong one. 

Enter self-forgiveness. It’s not a luxury, nor is it earned. It’s a fundamental need, essential to our mental and physical well-being.

This article walks you through how to forgive yourself and offers practical steps to help you grow from your past, not despite it.

What does it mean to forgive?

At its core, forgiveness means letting go of the resentment and anger from wrongdoing. Self-forgiveness extends this grace inward.  

“Self-forgiveness affirms that a Black woman’s worth is not tied to how much they carry, achieve, or endure,” said Dr. Huddleston. “It’s not about excusing harm or avoiding accountability, but honoring the fullness of their humanity and remembering that they, too, deserve grace, tenderness, and time to heal.”

Why self-forgiveness is essential (but so hard)

The effects on our emotional and physical well-being are real. Studies link forgiveness to lower levels of anxiety, depression, and chronic stress. It’s even possible to improve cholesterol levels, blood pressure, and the risk of heart attack by learning to forgive.^1,2

But that doesn’t make it easy. 

“Black women may not see forgiveness as something they’re entitled to,” noted Dr. Huddleston. “The pressure to be perfect and to carry the burdens of others can lead to chronic guilt and self-blame when they fall short, even slightly. Mistakes are not seen as natural parts of growth, but as personal failures that reflect poorly on their worth.”

While holding on to guilt can leave you stuck, forgiveness provides the freedom to heal and grow. 

How to forgive yourself for past mistakes

Learning how to forgive yourself is a process that takes time. These tips can help you begin the journey. 

Acknowledge the mistake

This isn’t about sweeping things under the rug. Part of self-forgiveness is understanding what happened and its impact on you and those involved, honestly and without judgment.

Separate who you are from what you did

You are not your mistakes.

Past mishaps don’t define who you are. When you do something wrong, it doesn’t change your value to this world. Make this clear distinction between what you did and who you are. This creates space for compassion and allows you to address the mistake without diminishing your inherent worth.

Name the feelings without judgment

It’s normal to feel a range of emotions about what happened. The key is to let yourself feel it all without pushing it down or judging yourself. Why? Because a feeling is a natural reaction, not right or wrong. So, simply observe your emotions like a cloud passing by. This mindful awareness helps you process feelings instead of holding on to them and letting them fester.

Apologize, if possible

If your mistake involved someone else, consider making amends—but only if it feels safe and appropriate to do so. It’s not about groveling or wallowing in shame or guilt. You’re simply taking responsibility for your part. 

If an apology isn’t possible, you may try writing a letter you don’t send or speaking the apology out loud in private. Even these acts can be incredibly healing.

Give yourself permission to let go

Letting go is at the heart of forgiveness. Again, it doesn’t mean you condone what you did. But it is an active choice not to let it define you anymore. When you let go, you recognize that, yes, you messed up, but you’re allowed the same level of humanity, grace, and mercy as everyone else.

Repeating an affirmation like, “I forgive myself for [mistake], and I allow myself to move forward with compassion and peace” can help with this step.

Recognize harmful self-talk

Self-criticism, such as “This is what I get” or “I should know better,” can fuel shame and resentment, ultimately working against self-forgiveness. Acknowledge negative self-talk and challenge it with compassion. “It’s okay to make mistakes,” “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough,” “I’m still worthy of love and forgiveness.”

Release shame

Remorse can be a healthy emotion that motivates us to change or make amends. But shame? Not as healthy. It chips away at your worth, leaving you feeling fundamentally flawed, unlovable, and worthy only of punishment.³ Releasing shame takes practice, but journaling, reciting affirmations, or even connecting with a supportive community can help you heal.

Seek support

Lean on your support system when self-forgiveness feels impossible, or the pain runs too deep.

“Seeking support from safe, culturally affirming spaces, whether through therapy, sisterhood circles, or spiritual practices, can help Black women unlearn the narratives that tell them they must always be strong,” said Dr. Huddleston.

Therapy is a safe and non-judgmental space where you can unpack deep-seated patterns of self-criticism and learn to thrive in self-love.

Self-forgiveness is a journey

Be patient with yourself. Self-forgiveness is not an easy skill to learn, nor is it a one-time event. Some days, you may feel free. On other days, guilt and shame might creep back in. That’s okay. Keep extending grace. Each act of self-compassion is a powerful affirmation of your worth and commitment to your healing and well-being.

How to forgive yourself FAQs

How do I let go of shame and forgive myself?

Acknowledge the shame without judgment. Then, remember that you’re not your mistakes. We all make them, but we’re still worthy of grace and forgiveness. Consider working with a therapist if you have a hard time processing and releasing heavy emotions like guilt and shame.

Why is it so hard to forgive?

Forgiveness can be hard if it feels like we’re excusing the behavior or aren’t entitled to it. But, whether forgiving others or ourselves, it’s an act of self-love. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse or minimize the hurt. It’s choosing not to stay captive to it, acknowledging that we can learn from pain and mistakes and continue to heal and grow.

Can you forgive yourself even if you can’t apologize?

Absolutely. While apologizing to another person can help you in the healing process, it’s not required.⁴ Forgiveness is an internal process. If you’re unable to apologize directly, you can still acknowledge the mistake, learn from it, and release the emotional burden for your own peace.

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References

1. Kim, J. J., Payne, E. S., & Tracy, E. L. (2022). Indirect Effects of Forgiveness on Psychological Health Through Anger and Hope: A Parallel Mediation Analysis. Journal of Religion and Health, 61(5), 3729–3746. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-022-01518-4
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2. Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It. (2024, June 20). Hopkinsmedicine.org. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it ↩︎
3. Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Hafez, L. (2011). Shame, guilt, and remorse: implications for offender populations. Journal of Forensic Psychiatry and Psychology, 22(5), 706–723. https://doi.org/10.1080/14789949.2011.617541 ↩︎
4. APA PsycNet. (2025). Apa.org. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fscp0000369 ↩︎