How to deal with the loss of a parent when the pain feels overwhelming

As you explore how to deal with the loss of a parent, let yourself feel however you feel without adding judgment or trying to force yourself to feel better.

Grief can feel unbearable—like a weight on your chest or a constant mental fog. You may feel an emptiness when you lose a parent that rattles your identity, faith, and overall outlook.

In the Black community, in particular, we don’t always know how to handle grief. You may have heard some of the following.

“She wouldn’t want you to be sad. She’s in a better place now.” 

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” 

Although these are well-intentioned attempts to encourage you, they can leave you feeling guilty, especially if your grief “lasts for too long.”

The truth is, grief is uncomfortable, both for those who experience it and those observing it. But when we learn how to handle this discomfort, we can heal deeply and authentically.

Grief is natural

Grief is the body’s natural response to loss ¹. It is a common and expected part of life. Of course, it doesn’t make it any more pleasant or bearable, but it does mean that when you feel it, it is okay.

As humans, we share some commonalities in how we grieve, which was one of the purposes behind the commonly referenced five stages of grief coined by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. 

The 5 stages of grief

Dr. Kubler-Ross’s grief cycle model is not a prescription of how you will or should grieve, but a general sense of some of the emotions you may experience.

• Denial: After losing a parent, you may have a hard time accepting that it happened. Mental health professionals describe the denial stage as the body’s way of processing pain in small doses. When you’re ready to feel more emotions, you will.
• Anger: You may feel upset with yourself, God, or even the parent you lost. It’s common to feel anger when you feel powerless. We’d feel much better if we or anyone else had more control and could prevent a parent’s death. 
• Bargaining: You may feel like you’ll do anything to have your parent back, and this is entirely normal. Bargaining is the mind searching for anything that will relieve the pain.
• Depression: It’s common to feel intense sadness, hopelessness, and helplessness. Depression can leave you fatigued, withdrawn, distracted, and unmotivated. This season can be uncomfortable, but your body is still processing the loss, albeit more directly.
• Acceptance: Accepting the loss of a parent doesn’t mean you’re okay with it. It doesn’t mean you’re now living happily ever after. Instead, acceptance refers to being able to live in a new normal. The heavy feelings may still come and go, but you can acknowledge the loss and continue living life.

The grief stages are not linear steps. You may experience them in a different order. Some you may not experience at all. There is no one way or right way to grieve. 

How to deal with the loss of a parent: 7 tips for when it feels overwhelming

Grieving is not about feeling better. It’s about allowing yourself to feel, period. Keep your mind on these steps as you experience the most overwhelming emotions.

#1 Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel

Try to let go of how you think you should feel or how others tell you to feel. Just be. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel angry. It’s okay to feel numb. Feelings are part of a physiological response ³. They are not right or wrong. 

#2 Create space to let the emotions out

When you feel overwhelmed by emotions that make it difficult to focus, sleep, or get through the day, it’s important to have an outlet to let the feelings out. 

If your best friend was hurting, would you ignore them or ask what was wrong and see what they needed? You can and must do the same for yourself. 

In times of intense grief, be your best friend.

You can let your emotions out by journaling, walking, or exercising. Physical activity is a great way to release the heaviness, stress, and tension that can come with grief. 

Pay attention to how you feel as you let go. You may be surprised at how your mind and body respond to being seen.

#3 Ride out your feelings, don’t control them

When we feel uncomfortable, we usually try to do something about it. Some try to distract themselves by eating, shopping, or binge drinking. Others investigate the feeling, adding meaning, context, and judgment as to why they feel the way they feel. 

“Why do I still feel so heavy? I need to trust God more.”

Feelings are not cryptic messages for us to figure out. We don’t have to address or get rid of them. 

In fact, emotions will naturally come and go if we allow them to ²— that is, if we acknowledge the feelings, let them out if we need to (going back to tip #2), and shift our focus back to whatever we’re doing in the present moment. 

Riding out emotions takes practice, especially if you’re used to ignoring, suppressing, or magnifying your feelings. But the more you do it, the easier it’ll become.

When you process a feeling, it doesn’t mean it’ll go away and never return. The heaviness of loss may come back, but now you know how to feel and let go.

#4 Forgive and release your parent

It’s common to experience anger, abandonment, or rejection after losing a parent. Each of these feelings is valid. 

You may feel angry if you and your parent had an estranged relationship. Or maybe you were best friends, and now you’re angry they’d leave you. 

Whatever the source of anger, you can forgive your parent, letting go of the hurt, disappointment, and other difficult emotions. 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re blaming your parent for passing away or exonerating them of any wrongdoing throughout your childhood. You’re simply releasing them and no longer holding them accountable for how you feel. 

Harboring resentment or holding on to anger only hurts you more. Forgiveness is healing and one of the ultimate acts of self-love. 

#5 Give yourself as much time as you need

Everyone grieves differently and on different timelines. You may experience periods where there are more happy days than sad ones. Then you may go back to feeling heavy or emotional, and that is okay. 

Allow yourself to grieve for however long it takes. Practice tip #3 to ride out those intense emotions.

If your mood starts to get in the way of your daily activities, it’s okay to get help by talking to your doctor or a licensed therapist.

#6 Find your support system

A close, trusted friend or family member who allows you to vent, cry, or just be can help you through the grieving process. 

Surround yourself with people who will support you however you need support. Set healthy boundaries for those who tend to judge how you feel or want you to pray it away or snap out of it. 

How you feel after losing a parent is your journey, and you don’t have to rush it away.

#7 Consider talking with a Therapist

A licensed therapist is professionally trained to help you navigate rough experiences and give you the tools to cope, heal, and grow. If you are overwhelmed by grief or unable to focus on your day-to-day tasks, explore therapy to see if it can help you meet your mental and emotional needs.  

How to deal with the loss of a parent FAQs

What is a healthy way to grieve?

There is no best way to grieve. Everyone experiences grief differently. However you grieve, allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment. Find ways to let them out, like through journaling or exercising. And have one or two people you trust who can support you. A therapist can help you process intense feelings and identify what you need most during the grieving process.

Why is the death of a parent so hard?

Losing anyone can be difficult, especially someone who was a significant part of your life. Some who never knew a parent or had a tumultuous relationship with them can still experience immense grief when they pass away. Regardless of your relationship or how long it’s been since they passed, it is absolutely normal for their death to be a hard experience.

How long is the grieving process?

A person will grieve for however long they need to. There is no set timeline for how long a loss will impact you. Consider getting help, like talking with a therapist, if you’re overwhelmed by your emotions and unable to focus throughout the day. It’s essential to have a safe space to process hard feelings, whether it’s been 10 months since losing a parent or 10 years. 

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References

¹ PDQ Supportive and Palliative Care Editorial Board. Grief, Bereavement, and Coping With Loss (PDQ®): Health Professional Version. 2024 Jun 26. In: PDQ Cancer Information Summaries [Internet]. Bethesda (MD): National Cancer Institute (US); 2002-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK66052/ 

² Bolte Taylor, Jill. Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice and the Four Characters That Drive Our Life. https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Living-Anatomy-Characters/dp/1401961983 

³ Šimić, G., Tkalčić, M., Vukić, V., Mulc, D., Španić, E., Šagud, M., Olucha-Bordonau, F. E., Vukšić, M., & R. Hof, P. (2021). Understanding Emotions: Origins and Roles of the Amygdala. Biomolecules, 11(6), 823. https://doi.org/10.3390/biom11060823